Can I Have It All Page 5

  YOU ARE WORTH IT!

  I have had junior to mid-level women working with me who have been quick to jump off the career ship as soon as their husband moved to another location. I have spent several hours mentoring women at work at this crossroads, explaining to them pros and cons, to enable the appropriate thinking and decision making for their family.

  Being a mobile family can be a tough yet defining experience. It does take a lot of deliberation, determination and courage to actually take the plunge each time. I have seen many men and women let go of these opportunities for fear of taking on the unknown. In my experience this has been more prevalent with women whose partners may not be mobile at the same point rather than the other way around. This is usually done to keep domestic harmony. Given the social conditioning, women choose to let go of such opportunities and their own environment is very easy with this disposition! Men often make a career choice when faced with such dilemmas. Sometimes even when they may want to take a back seat it is not easy for men. Our society is not kind to men who may want to step back and be at home!

  Lately, it is heartening to see that many more young men and women in dual careers are displaying the will and courage to step out of their comfort zone and negotiate with their personal and professional eco-system to immerse themselves in such experiences. However, mobility across borders comes it with its own challenges and biases, which have to be dealt with courageously and not with preconceived assumptions or notions.

  I have seen one high potential woman who was a recent victim of this when her husband relocated to Bangalore where we do not have a big office. She had erroneously pre-empted that there will not be any real roles there for her and hence came into my office to have a conversation about resigning from the service of the firm. We had a series of discussions on her career profile, her valuable relationship and equity in the company, and the bright future she had ahead of her. Given her husband had committed the move to his organisation already, we finally decided to give her a national role based out of Bangalore for a year. This made the situation much easier for her and ensured her retention in the firm. Needless to say, she was committed, worked diligently and returned to a bigger role in the headquarters later. She is still with the firm. Hence my advice to such women has been: talk, ask…. Don’t assume it will not work out. You may be worth much more than you think!

  I would like to share another instance of another high-performing, seasoned woman in the team, who was very keen to add an international exposure in her repertoire. She had been clear about this for a while and also had the skill set and the profile to work in developed markets. In fact, both she and her husband were aligned and keen to make this happen. They waited for the husband to take the lead for an appropriate international opportunity. Unfortunately, this took longer than they had anticipated. Hence, both of them decided that she would take the plunge. There were a few internal opportunities that were available and interested her. She took the lead and discussed with me (her manager) about a possible move, with her husband then following her. Given her performance track record and her potential, it was fairly easy to find her a meaningful role in Hong Kong and in London. She finally opted for Hong Kong and took the plunge not knowing when her husband would be able to relocate. As fate would have it, his company too finally moved him to an open role in Hong Kong and they both collectively reached where they wanted to with the wife taking the lead and the risk. Clearly a strong belief in self, knowing what one wants provided her the needed drive to move forward.

  FAMILY IS WHERE THE HEART IS

  In our careers, sometimes I followed my husband and at other times he followed me. Every move was thought through in terms of how it worked for us collectively and how we both together, and later as a family, benefitted from a location change. Although, I have to confess this was easier when we did not have children. After a few years we would evaluate our careers and one of us would take a plunge to do something new and the other would follow. Maybe we were also fortunate for a while, as our respective companies were able to accommodate our aspirations which kept us going as well. Our toughest move was to relocate from London to India when the children were more grown-up and also had views on this decision. I was in a newly-promoted role when Sandeep had an offer from another company that he could not refuse. So we decided to have two homes for a while, one in London and the other in Delhi. The children moved to Delhi after sometime and then after eighteen months, once I had completed my assignment in London, I relocated back as well. This was quite tough but a decision that we took as a family. It was not ideal but we made it work in the most optimum way possible, between two cities with support from our parents, staying connected on Skype and frequent travel across the globe. The distance actually got us closer as a family, as we had to make conscious efforts to ensure that the miles between us were never too much for our emotional connections. In retrospect, I learnt about how your inner strength keeps you going when you are faced with these situations.

  MATERNITY

  ‘I’ve yet to be on a campus where women weren’t worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children, and a career. I’ve yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing.’ – Gloria Stienem

  More often than not, I have seen women agonising over striking the right balance even before they reach the juncture of marriage and motherhood. Is it necessarily that tough for women when it happens? Probably yes, especially in some Asian or emerging market cultures, where the roles of care-giver and bread-earner may be rather hard-coded in the common psyche of men and women. However, the question is, should women always carry the psychological burden of this balancing act, not allowing them to dream bigger and better? Certainly not, in my view!

  I have some friends who are very talented women and gave up their careers right after pregnancy. Each of us has our own drivers in life; hence they may have made the right choice of being a homemaker. However, a few of them have sometimes reflected back with me and pondered over their decision later when their children have grown up and grown their wings! This is the point at which they felt compelled to revisit their lives, trying to comprehend what their larger purpose has been or could have been, now that their children don’t need their presence as intensely anymore. They seem to experience a feeling of emptiness especially if their partner/husband were busy at work. To reiterate, I am not for a moment implying that giving up work is not right, I think it is a personal choice. If you are happy with it and it works for you, that is absolutely fine. However, one must be reasonably sure, if that is what the larger purpose demands to be content long term.

  In my worldview, there are quite a few women who take this decision in haste, while also overwhelmed with the changes in their family life due to the arrival of a baby. After seeing friends, employees and family, my experience and advice to all is that when confronted with such dilemmas and anxiety, pause for a while. Don’t rush into what may be obvious. Talk to your organisation about what may work for you and for them. This could range from flexible working, crèche support to a few months of career break. People around you do want to make it work. Align your expectations at work about what you can manage and what you cannot. One of the interventions which I saw as a success in the firm was a mentor group for returning mothers. They were tremendously helpful in understanding such issues for new mothers and helped them link to people who could provide them support in the organisation and outside.

  Being away from work for a long time may create some gaps professionally, even though for some, passion to work remains. Second careers, for women who take breaks, is gaining some traction but has not yet been fully embedded in markets like India. It is a very workable solution for women who wish to rejoin and learn new skills at work.

  I am also a firm believer in being at peace with one’s choices so long as they are happy and are not taken under duress. Challenging situations in the personal realm may push many women to be guided by others’ opinions, including significa
nt others; even though that choice, may not be necessarily what they want to do. It is all about having self-belief and confidence on how much one trusts the self than others. My experience has been that the inclusive nature of women also leads them to a consensus approach on many key decisions in life, including careers. An example of this is that during the gestation period, very often (and naturally so), most women in India are guided by their mothers or mothers-in-law about discontinuing their professional jobs. During such situations, if women choose to stay at work right after motherhood, they overwhelm themselves with even more guilt of neglecting their children as they are going against the family advice.

  In this aspect, it is very tough for an organisation to win over personal relationships irrespective of any employee-friendly flexible policy or an extended, maternity policy.

  My experience is that once you have chosen to stay on your career path, keeping yourself constantly on the edge does not help. The road will get tougher, but second-guessing your own decision continuously, especially after motherhood, will only keep weakening you. All our children grow up fine! Also, in this confused emotional state, one is then unable to enjoy any sphere of life. This experience is truly very personal and is certainly difficult to generalise. Nonetheless, do whatever you can to allow yourself a peaceful and enjoyable time, both at work and at home, post-pregnancy!

  PERSONAL GROWTH LIKE NO OTHER

  Early 1998, I became pregnant with my first child. At the age of 26, the news left me with some mixed feelings of joy, anxiety and confusion. As expected, my parents and in-laws were overjoyed but they also had a series of guidelines and instructions about how I should keep safe during the entire phase. For the next few months, I experienced not just physical but environmental changes as well. Even though I insisted on keeping my life normal, with regular work and travel, I felt that somehow people around me looked at me differently. I was performing the role of a Talent Acquisition and Development Manager then and encountered frequent questions like: would I be able to continue travelling despite being very normally pregnant? I could understand that these questions were out of concern but they left me a bit uncomfortable and unsure about my own competence to do the job.

  My career was very important to me and I was very keen on understanding the road ahead before I proceeded on a maternity leave. I wanted to know what role I would come back to and organsaition view on my potential. However, often the answer or advice received from managers was to focus on motherhood first, given that I was not versed with what was ahead of me in this phase of life. I was told that the role would get sorted once I come back. Unsuccessful in landing an assured outcome, I anyway went on maternity leave. Avni, my first child, arrived on time and I felt that the whole experience was not as tough as everyone had warned me. Maybe I was prepared for the worst …I truly enjoyed those few months of leave I shared with my baby daughter, apart from not getting much sleep of course! This ease during early days of motherhood was partly because her father Sandeep, being a brand manager for diapers was probably more adept at managing babies! Secondly, and on a more serious note, I managed to get a good nanny with our parents also helping us for some time.

  By the third month of the maternity leave, I was beginning to crave for my work life, even though I loved every bit of motherhood. At the end of my leave, I called up the office to finalise my return date and was gladly accepted back; however, I was slightly disappointed that the role had yet not been finalised and I was assigned to some projects. As for the company seniors, they were of the view, that they were giving me flexibility (as usually requested by other women) to manage a transition back to work. However, in my head, I thought that if I left a four-month old at home to be at work, it better be worth my time! As most new mothers will tell you, it is not easy to leave a crying baby behind when you walk out of the door. Hence, I was unwilling to let myself drift on projects. Almost every week, I would be at the desk of my manager and seniors, asking for a role by identifying potential opportunities of work. That persistence and diligence paid off and I pulled all the project pieces into making it a leadership development role for myself. This was an internally focused and a proactive intervention role, unlike what I had done in recruiting, which was external and reactive. My conviction and clarity of what I wanted made me persist till I got what I wanted!

  NOT BEING BOXED INTO STEREOTYPES

  I learnt many valuable lessons through this experience.

  I became aware that people around me had strong preconditioning as to how a returning mother should be treated at work, what and how much she should do. Albeit, in my best interest, I was determined not to be constricted by the view of others. I was reminded of Virginia Woolf’s bright words: ‘Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.’

  One can only emphasise the value of drive: Know what you want at work so that you can garner the commitment of not just yourself but others around you, to make it happen. Keep the hunger to do something meaningful, at home or at work, alive. It will provide the energy to keep you going. The passion for what you do is important and you must feel it integrated within your innate identity. The wisdom of Confucius’ adage: ‘Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life’, held me in good stead every single day of this journey. Armed with ambition and drive, do not shy away from asking for what you truly want to pursue!

  YOUR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL STRENGTH ARE TESTED

  One had to be geared up to manage multiple priorities at home and work. No matter how much your parents or husband may help you, but if you are a young mother your child is going to need you more, especially in the early stage. Stop battling with yourself. Stop beating yourself down for being a bad mother, a bad wife and a bad employee. You are doing the best you can and keep the positive energy with the belief and conviction in your purpose. Read. Read a lot. Watch some useless soaps if you like! I find them very helpful to unwind as I don’t need to work my brain at all then. Go to the gym, run. Eat well. You need to look after yourself before you can take charge of all that is happening around you.

  A STRONG SUPPORT

  There is also no substitute for a support system at work and home. Support and understanding of family members is critical especially when a woman faces this key milestones in her life. An understanding partner who can appreciate, adjust and give an equal status to his wife’s career is a key force. However, the woman needs to be clear that she values her career as well. An understanding parent during maternity is invaluable. Usually, it is difficult for a woman to trust anyone else apart from her parents to leave her child behind while she is away at work. So ladies, make friends with your mothers-in-law! Finally, I think having a great nanny goes a long way in keeping things stable at home. Like a project at work, think, plan and execute for any of these three major milestones and things do fall into place. Don’t dither from your purpose if there is a momentary crisis. It tides over. There are enough working women around you, who are yet happily married with well brought-up children. Reach out to a few and learn from them.

  SECOND TIME WISER?

  My second maternity news came to me in December, 2002. This time, wiser, I did not experience any mixed and confused emotions like the first time;, somehow I felt this was now a normal occurrence in my life. I thought it was so normal that I mentioned it to my husband only after twelve weeks of the news, which in hindsight, was a very bad decision given the furious reaction I received!

  Experienced from my first pregnancy, I carried on work as usual. By this time I was on a dual assignment with a role in India along with an international project, which required me to travel extensively across the globe. Given that things were smooth with the pregnancy in the first trimester, everything just continued as usual on track with work and travel overseas. By the fifth month it became obvious that I was putting on weight. So, I apprised my direct manager and his first reaction was extremely amusing! He asked
me my due date, which I informed him was about four months later. He seemed very perplexed with my reply and innocently asked if the baby will be delivered in five months’ time or was he missing something. I laughed and said he had missed my baby bump for a while. Even today we both laugh about that incident!

  By the time I was pregnant for the second time, I had spent over eight years in the firm across three assignments. With mentors in the system, I engaged much more proactively in conversations about my next move prior to my upcoming leave. I had some clear proposals about what would interest me and requested that they be considered. I laid down clear plans about how I would carry on with the role and would cut short my leave by a month, given the work cycle on one of my preferred roles (Head of Rewards and Mobility) would need me back in January. And I was granted the role on return! My convictions and aspirations came together.

  Just when I thought things were going smoothly, God decided to test my mettle. During my seventh month of pregnancy, I was travelling on some urgent work to Istanbul (silly decision, I know!) and on my return, started to feel uneasy on the flight. Whilst transiting through Dubai, I was hauled up by the UAE Immigration due to the obvious baby bump peeping out of my shirt. The officer requested for a medical certificate, which, I was not carrying (just plain carelessness on my part!). Therefore, he decided that I could not board the flight to Mumbai. I was not sure why he would want a hugely-pregnant woman sitting at the airport rather than sending her home! I filled my big, bewildered eyes with a few legitimate tears and pleaded to go home. When that did not work, I argued more logically stating that I should have been stopped while flying to Turkey not when returning back! Finally, I insisted that I needed to be home for medication as I was feeling unwell and voila! That worked! I was put on the aircraft to Mumbai.